WHY I LOVE MY TELECASTER ...

This has nothing to do with politics - and might be more than a little weird. Who cares ...

Leo Fender invented the TELECASTER way back in the late 1940's - and I believe he put it on the market in 1950. Here we are - 55 years later - and the telecaster is still around, still made pretty much the same way it always has been.

Buck Owens played a Telecaster - and still does. Buck's right hand man, Don Rich, played a Telecaster too. Muddy Waters played a Tele. Albert Collins played a Tele. Keith Richards plays a Tele. John Five (ex-Marilyn Manson guitarist) plays a Tele. Danny Gatton played a Tele. Marty Stuart plays a Tele. Some say that Jimmy Page played a Tele on the solo for "Stairway to Heaven" - though I've seen that claim disputed occasionally.

The point here is that the Tele is the ultimate Rock-N-Roll guitar. You can reproduce the intro to Chuck Berry's "Johnny B. Goode" perfectly on a tele. The tele doesn't stop there though. It's probably the only guitar that sounds good on any country recording.

Yes, Kenny Chesney plays a Les Paul - a big metallic blue Les Paul with a huge "don't ask - don't tell" white star painted right on the front of it. I don't like Kenny Chesney - he plays carribean music - NOT COUNTRY!

The Telecaster is ugly - it's not much more than a heavy slab of wood with some pickups drilled in. The body has hard edges - when you hold that puppy on stage - it digs excruciatingly into your rib cage. It's heavy - most of 'em are anyway - so you need to have a well constructed and sturdy back to weild that baby for any amount of time. These are all reasons I love my Telecaster.

A Tele has TWO knobs - a volume control and a tone control. You don't even need them though - just crank both of them all the way up and leave them alone. I know guys who just tack-weld them in the max position and forget about them. There's one pickup switch on a tele - with three positions. You have three pickup configuration choices - Bridge, Neck, or Neck + Bridge. Easy to remember - the Tele is the epitome of simplicity.

A Tele plays PERFECTLY OUT OF TUNE - always. This is the key to both real Rock-N-Roll and Country music. Both types of music sound sterile being played though a perfectly intoned instrument like a Les Paul. Don't believe me? Listen to Kenny Chesney. No matter how good of a guitar tech you are - the Tele will whip you everytime by playing out of tune - by just the right amount. This a big reason I love my Telecaster.

The Telecaster is the AK-47 of the music industry. Cheap, tough, and lethal! You can run over a Tele with a pickup truck, pick it up - and it'll still play out of tune. You never saw Pete Townsend smash a Tele did you? That's because a Tele would have whipped his you-know-what! And if you've ever seen Ted Nugent - when he breaks out his BOW - that isn't a Tele that he's firing an arrow into. Oh no, that would be a Gibson Byrdland - which is nothing more than an expensive Les Paul. No arrow would penetrate a Telecaster body.

Only one guitar can produce a "Tele Twang" - yep, you guessed it - it's a Telecaster. If the crowd you're playing to is unappreciative - simply turn up the tone on your amp and assault the crowd's ears with an "ice pick" tone that will perferate their ear drums. This is one big reason I love my Telecaster. It's also a big reason that PUNK BANDS prefer Teles.

A Tele has TWO - SINGLE COIL PICKUPS - just like Leo made 'em '55 years ago. Single Coils pick up any 60 cycle hum produced by any electrical equipment within 100 miles. They pick up truckers on CB radios - and just about any local talk show on the am radio dial. These are all reasons I love my Telecaster. There is nothing like the sound of air traffic control bleeding through your pickups while you're in the middle of a ripping guitar solo.

Did I mention that Telecasters are Cheap?

Telecasters have a BOLT ON neck. If you break a neck (which is impossible) - you unbolt the broken one and slap on a new one. Try doing this with a Les Paul there Kenny!

All of the hardware on a Telecaster can be purchased right at Home Depot or Lowes. Lose a screw - no problem - you'll find something at the hardware store that will work. Try that with a Les Paul there Kenny!

Telecasters are made by Mexicans. Fender has a plant in Mexico and one in the U.S. in California - matters not - they are all made by Mexicans and Mexicans KNOW guitars. Mexican's produce REAL GUITARS with character. For this reason, no two Teles are alike. Fender also has a plant in Japan. The Japanese are absolutely precise when manufacturing their Teles - and every guitar they make sounds like a Les Paul.

What about a STRATOCASTER you say?

A Strat is nothing more than a feminized version of the Telecaster without the twang. Strats are great - I don't have one - but my daughter does.

So there you have it - that's why I LOVE MY TELECASTER!!

ADDENDUM: I thought up more reasons why I love my Telecaster...

Imagine George Bush in a rock band playing a LES PAUL.

Doesn't work does it? Now put a TELE in his hands ...

Right on!

Same goes for a lot of conservatives ... Trent Lott, Karl Rove, George Allen, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich - they would all be Tele guys. Fred Thompson is so "Tele" that if he even tried to pick up a bright shiney new Les Paul it would instantly turn into a beat up old Telecaster.

John Kerry and a Telecaster don't mix. In fact, I saw Kerry twice on the campaign trail last year playing a guitar and both times he was playing a Gibson ES-335 (hollow version of a Les Paul). This may be a key reason he lost the election.

Can anyone picture Howard Dean playing a Tele? I can't. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? She's definitely Les Paul.

So the Tele is definitely a conservative guitar. There are exceptions of course - Bruce Springsteen is liberal and he plays a tele (but not very well). Cheryl Crow and Melissa Etheridge play tele's sometimes - there are always weird exceptions to every rule.

But the bottom line is - a Telecaster is to music what Dale Earnhart is to Nascar. And I guess that means that a Les Paul is to music what Jeff Gordon is to Nascar.

That's the gist of it.